There are the competitions i went, the first camp, and also a lot of duties being fufilled in the last 9 months. New things came to my life, including me going to grade 8 in piano, me playing the violin and guitar. Nothing that i could ask for more. I was happy. WAS.
These past few weeks, ive been burdened with a lot of things. And i tell you, it sucks. But in the end i learn how to love what im doing. That includes me filling up paper works, rearranging files all around, learning photoshop (which i still cant remember how) and etc.
But what burdens me more was the feelings inside of me. Its killing me slowly from inside and i feel that i could die any moment. My brain is still the same. The girl who still loves maths, chemistry and learning. But my heart is just not the same anymore.
In life, ive been blessed with so many good things. But my heart and feelings are something different from the others. It keeps repeating the pain i went through when i was 12. It reminds me of what i was, reminding me that im that girl who's being hated because people accused her of stealing someone's boyfriend when she did nothing wrong. Its saying that im best to be alone because thats what i deserve. Its torturing me.
I became quiet in class and talk less to people. Well except for Jordan(my new bestie and my sleeping partner in class. He's also my tutor cos hes a smartass student). I distant myself from people, probably lazy to deal with other people's bullshit. Its not like people care about me, so why should i care about them. I became more tired these days, maybe the soreness from the events before are coming to me. Like i said, i just became more quiter.
But what i didnt realise that is my friends said that i was being harsh. I was putting myself higher than anyone else. And looking down at others. Hmph, never knew i could do that. Back to the story, when i was told that. I felt that arrows were shooting to me from every direction, hitting me. Slicing me. And worst of all, killing me. I can feel that my breaths were going slowly,like i was really dying. But that wasnt it. Suddenly there was someone behind, stabbing me slowly and bringing the knife out and whispering "Serves you right, this is what you get". After that, my eyes were closing and i could feel tears prickling by eyes, and that was the moment i said "this is reality". And that moment ended with the last breath. A part of me died.
It is saddening and painful reading something like that from your friends. Especially the ones you love so much and the one you've sacrificed your time and most importantly your feelings. But being put in this cruel world, no one is nice. Not even me. This is why i dont have a lot of friends. I salute my two bestfriends for being with me and going through my shits for the past 10 years. Im not an easy person to handle.
Yes,they say they care about me. But do you think that's enough? They are fine.they are not going through a lot of shits. They dont know how it feels to be pressured not only by parents, family, but also teachers and other parties. They dont know how you are the one people are depending on. And also the feeling being one of those few who got into grade 8 succesfully. You said that im putting myself all high and mighty, well, in the end i have to. But putting other people down is not my thing. I never look down on people. Never. Everyone is special in their own way. I dont judge, if what they do makes them happy, then so be it. I dont have a say in other people's life. So dont you fucking dare say i look down on people. That is not how my parents raise me. I have values in myself. There are other people out there who also put themselves higher than me, but you know what's the difference? they are more ruthless and heartless. They only care about themselves. At least i still care about other people.
Maybe this is way that God is teaching me. Its a way hes telling me "its payback time, bitch." I should've expected something like this would happen. But God is intelligent in his own ways. This is how Hes going to teach me a lesson. You know, i never expected anything from people except for my family. My family will always be there for me. Even if they are annoyed at me(cousins). My mom always advice me "yes, you may be nice to them. You may help them when they are in need. But will they do the same to you? Will they sacrifice things for you? These are the things you look for in friendship. You dont look for friends who are nice to you. You look for those who can be in the long run with you, those who can sacrifice time for you, or sacrifice other things. People who understand you more than yourself." I didnt believe my mom at first, but then when i turn 13, i finally understood what she meant.
Im going this bravado all alone. Without any help. I just cant believe im still sane. But as the days past by, more part of me that is dying or already died.
Yeah, my friends are upset with me. All of them. And the best part, i know they are talking about me behind my back.
"If you are not hated, then you are doing something wrong" -House
Im not loved nor hated.
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